Two years ago, at my first SHOT Show, I got a special invite to view a fascinating prototype. Unfortunately I was under an NDA that included the words “execution with extreme prejudice” as part of the “repercussions” section for violation. Needless to say, I didn’t even tell my dog. Imagine my surprise when two armed representatives of Aperture Science showed up at my door with to personally deliver a T&E weapon to review! The NDA has been lifted and I can talk about this amazing new direction for personal defense.

You see, Aperture Science has been around for a long time but they’re not a very well known company. It was started by Cave Johnson. Aperture Science (at the time called Aperture Fixtures) originally produced asbestos shower curtains for the military which is where they made their initial fortune. Using that money, combined with a bit on insanity caused by exposure to moon rock powder, Mr. Johnson branched his company out into more of a high tech research and development company. This is where the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device was created.

Now the original portal device was a bit…large…and expensive. The one that I got to play with at SHOT 2013 was about 35 pounds and about 600 million dollars. Definitely outside the range of a typical consumer that isn’t Bill Gates. What Krug and Ug (the well dressed and heavily armed security couriers) dropped off, however, was the obvious next step in the evolution of this device.

You see, in terms of technological evolution, step 1 is to make the darn thing work in the first place. From that point, step 2 and beyond is to make it smaller and more efficient. That brings us to the Handheld Portal Device: Concealed Carry Edition. They’ve taken all the advantages of the original and they’ve made a small, concealable and (most importantly) affordable version for the consumer market! This HPD:CCE rings in at a modest but not out of the question $28,000 MSRP. I’m seeing them on Gunbroker.com at the moment for about $26,000 so not bad, all things considered.

Now, we’ve talked about the history of this “gun” but we haven’t spoken much about what it actually does. Quoting from their marketing materials: “The HPD:CCE is a revolutionary device that can create two linked portals at any distance between them. Any object that passes through one portal will emerge through the other instantly and visa versa. All momentum and physics are preserved through the wormholes.” In non sales-weasel speak, there is a switch on the handle of the HPD:CCE that allows you to switch between an orange and blue portal. When the trigger is pulled, it will shoot a portal on to a surface. You can then shoot a portal of the other color on to another surface and then step through. It’s really an exciting piece of technology that could potentially revolutionize far more than just the self defense industry!

Now, the full sized guns had one particular issue that made it near worthless: you could only project a portal on to a surface that had been painted with a special coating infused with moon rock powder. Now, the coating was not only ridiculously expensive to make but it had some chemical properties that were….less than safe. Aperture Science was never able to isolate exactly what the source of the dangerous compound was but it did not like the human skeleton. The HPD:CCE, however, has solved that issue and can be used on any surface. From you bathroom wall to your ceiling, your kids and even your pets! As long as it isn’t a mirrored surface, it will hold a portal. Speaking of pets, my cat LOVED it when I used the portal to launch her across the house at least until I misjudged her velocity and launched her through a wall. The vet says she’ll be fine.

As great as this device is, there are some downsides, however. They call it the “Concealed Carry Edition” and, while it is slightly larger than a 1911, I can’t for the life of me figure out how one would conceal it. The event focuses along the front would make it impossible to put in a holster and it’s still bulky enough that it would print no matter what kind of shirt you used to cover it.

There’s also some ergonomic issues. The original HPD was designed to fit around your hand for balance purposes. To make the HPD:CCE, it looks like they just put the schematics into Photoshop and shift+dragged it to scale it down. It is the exact same gun as the full sized one, just scaled down. It is nearly impossible to grip the handle effectively. It’s fortunate that this has no recoil at all otherwise it would go flying with the first shot.

Either way, I could go on and on about all the things you could do with this. We need to get to the tests…

Ease to breakdown

I’ll be honest, I didn’t actually attempt to break it down. According to the manual, the HPD:CCE is powered by a captured, tiny black hole. Breach of the Dyson Sphere containing the event horizon would result in the destruction of many versions of NE Florida across numerous parallel dimensions in the multiverse. Also, there are small amounts of C4 plastic explosive lining the inside of the gun that are to be used to “reboot” the black hole should it fizzle out. Even the physics professor at Jacksonville University couldn’t explain to me why that would work but still, with it being rather dry for Florida lately, static electricity has been an issue and I didn’t want to take the risk.

Because of that, I have to give this a 1 out of 5 hats.

 

Maintenance

Even though I couldn’t break it down for a field stripping, the instruction manual was quite clear on maintenance: “Warning: Death, eradication or complete breakdown of reality could occur if maintenance is performed by untrained technicians. Only attempt repair and service if you are certified by Aperture Science and have put adequate distance between your work area and civilization.”

Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be risking voiding the warranty on this one… 1 out of 5.

Reliability

I don’t know if this one really applies because it doesn’t exactly use ammo, per say. That being said, Aperture Science has put it through an incredible amount of testing as well as torture tests beyond anything the gun would ever encounter. Everything from flame throwers to explosives to Vogon Poetry and they say it hasn’t failed. I know that in my testing it has worked every time I’ve pulled the trigger so…5 out of 5, I guess?

Safety

There is no safety at all. Aperture Science tells me they’re working on a genetic lockout but that’s a few years down the road. I didn’t exactly understand their explanation but they mentioned something about waiting for results from the human genome project. Either way, the saving grace is that this is a non-lethal device….depending. Well, the gun in an of itself isn’t lethal (unless you manage to crack open the Dyson Sphere, that is). However, popping a portal onto the side of a 30 story building then popping another one under a person is certain would be considered lethal. Although it could also be argued that it wasn’t the HPD:CC that did it but the sudden impact with the sidewalk but that’s for courts and lawyers to decide at some point.

I’ll admit, I’m having trouble putting a score on this one. The fact that, as I said, it isn’t actually meant to be a lethal or even dangerous device in the first place, makes me feel as though I should rate it pretty high. Heck, considering they have the government influence to “disappear” me and erase any record of my existence, I’ll go ahead and put a 5 out of 5 on this one.

Poor technique

For all it’s oddness, it’s amazingly easy to operate. Flip the switch, pull the trigger. A monkey could do it. I should note that the ability of a monkey to operate the HPD:CC isn’t just a phrase, Aperture Science spent millions of dollars on monkey testing so that they could actually make that claim without fear of legal issues. There’s another 5 out of 5.

Starter kit 

It comes with an absurdly large wooden crate (they decided to save money by reusing the shipping crates from the full size version), an instruction manual, and a liability release. It’s pretty slim pickings, to be honest. Especially when you consider the amount of money it costs. They could have thrown in a sling or a holster or something. Instead, you get a bunch of irradiated packing peanuts. Side note: don’t let your cat play in the irradiated packing peanuts. The vet says kitty will be OK. 1 out of 5.

Accessories/Upgrades

Considering that, up until a month ago, the HPD:CC was under a “threat of death” NDA, there hasn’t been much of a chance for accessory companies to develop companion devices. I’m hoping some engineering genius can figure out a way to conceal this thing eventually. I give it a year and I’m certain you’ll be seeing a ton of items for this. In the meantime, I can only give it a 1 out of 5 in this category as well.

Final Word

Despite its faults, this is an incredibly amazing feat of technology. I’ve said many times that it might not be a good idea to buy the first version of a new product. As much as I want to recommend this to someone, I really can’t. Give it a bit to allow Aperture Science to work out the kinks and I think this thing will be popular as heck. In the meantime, I can’t wait to see what else they do with this technology!

Tallying up the scores gives us a 2.5 out of 5. If you’re looking for your first gun, I’d avoid this one unless you just have to have the latest and greatest technology.

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