Every so often you come across something someone’s done to a gun purely as a joke, like the guy who puts an Ace bottle opener on their AR15 to stay hydrated. He shows it off in a YouTube video and everyone has a good laugh. That’s pretty much what I figured when I first saw a pistol bayonet.  The only conclusion I could come to was that someone modified their pistol for a bayonet as a gag and in a horrible turn of events that spun out of their control, someone took it seriously and ran with it, leaving the original gun owner absolutely mortified with the Pandora’s Box they had opened. It doesn’t help that some of the more influential voices in the world of young people getting into guns makes attempts to show it as somehow useful.

Thanks for nothing, Call of Duty 3!

Believe it or not, the pistol bayonet has a historical precedent. Sailors would carry them on raiding parties because when you’re in the bowels of a cramped ship with no room to draw a sword and your pistol only carries one shot, it helps to have a Plan B. But that Plan B became less and less necessary when pistols started carrying more rounds and didn’t take five minutes to reload. The same thing occurred with rifle bayonets over the years as rifles became easier to reload and shorter in length. It used to be a bayonet on the end of a rifle made perfect sense because the rifle itself was already as long as a spear, troops were already massed in large, tight formations in order to concentrate firepower, and in the middle of a close-in fight, you couldn’t call a time-out to reload for five minutes.  While some modern rifles still have bayonet lugs, they’re almost never used in combat.

The last U.S. Army bayonet charge was in 1951 (though the British were bayoneting people as late as 2009). But even though they’re not used as much, bayonets for rifles still make some sense, whereas a bayonet on a pistol makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with people. Explain to me the scenario where this thing will be used as it’s intended. I’ve only seen them advertised on automatics, so let’s assume the shooter using it has at least 10rounds in the magazine. (FOAD, California!). What possible situation are you going to be in where you run through 10rounds in a magazine, possibly 10 rounds in another, and instead of escaping you’re closing with someone to bayonet them with your Glock?  For Chrissakes, this is the Orange Park Mall not Rorke’s Drift!

There’s also a safety aspect to think about, if patent absurdity isn’t enough to dissuade you. By putting this thing on the front of your pistol you now have all the safety concerns of a pistol added to the safety concerns of an unsheathed razor to contend with.  I’ve been looking on the internet to see what other people have been saying about this thing, and some of the stuff I’ve seen makes me fearful for the people who interact with them on a regular basis. One guy lamented that he wasn’t sure which Airsoft gun he was going to put his on.

Read that again. He put a razor sharp bayonet on the end of a TOY that he runs through the forest with and uses to engage in simulated combat with his FRIENDS. You know how your mom always told you not to run with scissors? I’m pretty sure the basic principle underpinning that lesson transfers readily to sharp %&^*ing knives.

What to get instead: A light or a laser

Believe it or not, the rail below the barrel of your new pistol has a purpose beyond comic relief, and the options for it are quite practical, particularly for new shooters. While a flashlight or a laser isn’t quite as dangerous as a knife, you could make “vroooo vroooo KSHHHHH!” noises and pretend it’s alight saber, though I and all of your neighbors would beg you to make sure it’s unloaded first.

Lights

Weapon lights and I have an uncomfortable relationship. I have a family situation wherein having an adrenaline-pumped me pointing my light in the same direction as my weapon isn’t ideal in the most likely situation I would use it for its intended purpose. However, I do believe it’s a good resource for those who don’t share that situation. A single person living alone who hears something strange downstairs in the middle of the night would benefit from having a light on their weapon, allowing them to have one hand free for opening doors or operating light switches. Lights have become so prevalent in the firearms community that they can be found just about everywhere.

Lasers

Despite what The Terminator and Cobra have taught us, a laser isn’t a one-to-one trade-off for sights, but it does have its uses,particularly when dealing with low-light conditions where the shooter may be amped up.

Have you ever tried to aim with iron sights in the dark? It’s a bitch, ain’t it? A laser ameliorates this somewhat by putting the dot in the approximate area your bullet is going to go and the best part is you can see it in the dark, a distinct possibility for anyone who’s purchased a gun with the fear they may have to use it at home in the middle of the night.  While some have said a laser is a two-way street, the idea that someone can find you by following the laser has been pretty much debunked. It’s not ideal for every circumstance, but for this situation it’s a good fit.

I dislike the entire pistol bayonet concept for a variety of reasons. One is practicality. Are you going to carry this thing around with the blade attached or wait until you’re getting mugged, yell “fix bayonets!” and hook it onto your gun while your would-be mugger stares at you in slack-jawed fascination?

The second is simple safety. For the most part I believe all care should be made to make guns safer for the user and more dangerous for the assailant. Sticking a knife on the end of a gun isn’t going to make the user safer and probably more of the opposite. I’ve carried knives on me since I was 13. You know how many times I’ve stabbed an attacker? Zero. You know how many times I’ve stabbed myself? Holy crap!Break out the abacus ‘cause we’re going to be here awhile.

Look, if you want to learn to use a gun, learn to use a gun.If you want to learn to use a knife, learn to use a knife. Not everything goes together like toast and jam. Sometimes it’s just toast and chapstick. Sure, I could make the stretch in logic that eating toast while protecting my lips from the elements is a good idea, but why would you even want to try?

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